I hate your face
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
