...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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