I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
