Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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