Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
pop tarts are not kleenex
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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