I want to make a zoo with you.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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