We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
