Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
