the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
