i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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