You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
