mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
