Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
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Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
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Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down