I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
