After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
