he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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