Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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