Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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