Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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