I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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