masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
