i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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