I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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