how can u be prego again
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
