nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
