All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
