I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
