Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You were trust falling into bushes
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
