Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
