I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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