can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
