if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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