just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
