I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
