i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
