I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
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I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
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Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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