Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
We have started to decorate penises.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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