Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
