Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
