On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
