Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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