he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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