I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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