Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
