i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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