i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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