i just had sex bonerless
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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