Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
