DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
i believe in u and ur pee
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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