I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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