even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
