I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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