We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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